The "Jane" Records : Condom Debacle

At the end of a long relationship, when all is crumbling and falling apart, the sex just keeps getting better and more frequent. A few years ago(maybe two), I was ending my first real relationship with a girl. A girl I've fucked more times than I can count. I've mentioned her once before-- in the driving story(we're really good friends now). Her name, for all intents and purposes, will remain "Jane."

For me, this was the perfect first relationship, because I learned a lot. First, I learned that you can't idealize someone too much, because they're probably a lot less important than you make them out to be. Second, sex is awesome. Third, break up sex is awesomer. And some other, less important things.

Well, towards the end of Jane and I's relationship, we had more sex than I can recount, in more places than is sanitary or safe. The most common place was her room. In the case of this story, her parents are home, downstairs.

Jane straddles me and says, "let's try this position."

OKAY!

Partially clothed, we begin our half-assed fucking session. I'm getting into it, she's getting into, we're having a good time. I lay back on her bed a bit and let her do the work because I'm selfish like that.

I hear something and grab her arms, paranoid about the fact that her parents are like 20 feet below us:
Hunter:"What was that?"
Jane:"What?"
I'm still inside her, having stopped mid-thrust.
Jane:"It was nothing," and she presses her lips to mine. Good enough for me. We resume.

A few minutes later, someone is coming up the goddamn stairs, so I hoist Jane off of me and onto the floor, grabbing for my boxers which are situated around my ankles. Her ass hits the carpet with a loud "thump." Her safety is a lot less of a priority than pants, especially in a house where the father gets jealous of the daughter's boyfriends. Him finding out I'm fucking her while he's home-- death warrant.
Jane:"OH SHIT, I'm going to hide in the closet... just.."
Footsteps on the stairs, incoming.
Jane:"Just.. shit," and she bails on me, hiding in her closet. Pantsless. Topless.

My pants fly up, I rip the condom off and my dick flops down, entering Emergency Anti-Boner Mode.

RED ALERT! RED ALERT! RED ALERT!

I have no time to zip my shorts up, someone's at the top of the stairs, headed into Jane's room. I sit in her computer chair, covering my non-zipped pants with the tail of my shirt. In a panic, I grab some duct tape and start wrapping up the used condom. It was not about to stay on my dick, go in my pockets, or be thrown on the floor. Somehow, duct-tape was the solution.

Jane's Mother:"Hunter? Where's Jane?"
Hunter:"Uhhh...." not turning to face her, and for good reason. There's something that happens to Irish men when they fuck and/or drink--their faces turn red-ish.
Hunter:"I think.. she... must be in the bathroom." I cringe at my poor response. The bathroom adjacent to her room is open... and it's completely vacant.
She approaches me, seeing Jane's underwear, shirt, and pants on the floor. That's odd, right? There's a naked Jane somewhere.

And now I'm forced to swivel in the computer arm-chair. Facing her, my hair is messy, my lips and cheeks red, my shirt buttoned up all wrong--first button in second slot-- it's a disaster. Interrogation begins:

Jane's Mother:"There's no one in the bathroom, Hunter."
Hunter:"Really? That's weird, she said she was going to the bathroom."
This is what I like to call the "Lawyer's Truth," a story that, while not necessarily reality, is consistent and therefore hard to break. I stick to my guns, she REALLY did say she was going to the bathroom. I convince myself of this, though it is completely false. She was still in the goddamn closet, leaving me out to dry.

I continue wrapping my condom in duct-tape, breaking eyecontact with my inquisitor. Bad move, now she asks me what I'm doing, and I of course tell her that I'm
"Playing with tape," I say. Yeah, great move Hunter.

Great, a crazy kid is fucking my daughter.
Jane's Mother: "Well, I guess she's downstairs, I'll go check."
Hunter:"I'll, uh, stand watch here, and, you know... wait."
Jane's Mother: " ... okay..."

Her mother exits and Jane immediately busts out of the closet, tripping over every conceivable object within.
Hunter:"Holy. Shit."
Jane:"I'm so sorry, but I had to hide."
Hunter:"So, continue?"
She gives me a blank stare for a few moments and walks out to the bathroom, flushing the toliet and pretending she just got out, saying things like "Hunter, where are you?"

Hunter:"She knows you weren't in there..."
Jane:"Oh well."

Written July 22nd, 2006